Clandestine
by amerie-san
Summary: He always remembers her even as the night betrays his memory. He struggles to reach for a frayed paper and a pen, he writes with only the words his heart weaves. I love you...
1. clandestine

Disclaimer: I don't own them

Pairings: Ichigo/Rukia

Ratings: G

Genre: romance/angst

"**Clandestine"**

He stares beyond the window sill, chin rested in his hand, brown chocolate pools lost in contemplation. He watches as the unseen wind brushes over his features. The moon floats gloriously in the sky, a wan smile gracing her porcelain face. He could not help but feel the agony beneath the goddess' smile and question the heavens for such countenance. He always remembers _her_ even as the night betrays his memory. He struggles to reach for a frayed paper and a pen, he writes with only the words his heart weaves.

I need you

_I need you gravely_

_Come back to me…_

_I love you... _

"rukia…" he whispers, barely containing the emotions he long suppressed but then turns his gaze away from the sacred portrait of the night sky. It pains him further to be reminded. Agony already tortured his soul so many times that he could keep counting. He decides to lie down on his pillows, glassy eyes still distant. Sleep taking over him, the soft humming of the breeze lulls him, he finally gives in and for one last moment he only thinks of the one person who dwells in his thoughts… one who always will. Slumber over powers him and he is again welcomed in the realm of dreams. And perhaps he even dreams of the woman he loves.

Almost so silently, the curtains glide. She enters through the window, and only stares intently at his peaceful form. For only in this moment is he at peace. "I'm sorry," she whispers, tracing his face with her delicate fingertips. "Honestly I am." She wills to embrace him, to kiss him this very moment but is well aware it is forbidden. If only she could stay by his side she would. "Ichigo…" she could hear her own voice tremble as her reserve wavers. It hurts her all the same. She hears her name escape his lips a number of times. And it shatters her a thousand times more. Every night she could only visit him in his sleep, when his awareness was in deep slumber and there was no means for him to know she had come. He would never know she slips inside his room every night and merely watches his chest rise and fall slowly as he breathes.

She continues to watch over him and could feel moisture at the side of her eyes. "I love you…" she whispers as cold droplets flow down her pale cheeks. Perhaps he would never hear those words. "I-I love you…" she whispers again, voice breaking as she briefly lays her hand just above his. He slightly stirs from her touch and she withdraws her hand gently. She lays a soft kiss on his forehead before looking at him for the last, "I'll be back tomorrow…" she says while wiping her tears and turns to leave for the window. But before she could jump she hears his voice.

"Rukia…" he moans and she instantly twirls to face him, thinking that he had awakened. But she only finds his eyes gently closed and his peaceful breathing. She finally turns away and leaps. She is gone in the dead of the night yet again.

As the silver moon glowered upon the clouds and the cool breeze blew to console them, perhaps fate will allow them a time, a moment in time where they will hear the words of love they yearn to speak of and hold each other until dawn. But for now, this was their **routine **and neither of them could will to break it.

He tediously awakens and finds himself gazing at the open window as the flowing curtains dance. _"I love you…" _he says.

And he closes his eyes to only dream of her once more…

……………………………..

Notes: I just felt like writing that, well it was kinda tragic… a little. Aww, I just love Ichigo and Rukia! So perfect! Haha…I hope you enjoyed this short one shot. reviews will be very much welcomed…btw. i deleted the poem in here. i dont know, i just felt unsatisfied about it. and maybe after i finish himegoto, my other story, i'll find time to continue this...maybe...

Love,

Amerie


	2. a mortal's dream

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

**Pairings: Ichigo/Rukia…**

**Raitings: PG 13**

**Genre: Romance/Angst**

**+A mortal's dream+**

In the advent of snow, I watched time fleeting on its own… falling gracefully to the immaculate streets…leaving me behind with only recollections of what we once had… a burning sensation lingers bitterly within my flesh…one so eminent I could feel my heart burst to ashes… Slowly, slowly they scatter through the frosted wind, black embers desperately hoping to reach you... dark as the night that covets me….

The breeze takes them away and nothing is left of me…the shadows dance beneath the wan light of the moon wooing me, wooing me to rest …

These ruptured ebony shards of my soul…_they will never reach you_.

As I continue to gaze at the extent of the horizon only from my window, her face is engraved vividly in my consciousness…her voice echoes in the hollow emptiness of my being…and even this pain won't wash it away…

I noticed, every house on the street was well lit…each adorned with intense glimmering lights ironically fashioned to emulate the fading stars above me... yet despite all the falsehood and ignorance…these people, they are happy…gathered about in their dens…spending the long night with their families…as for me, there's nothing to celebrate…

what's to be happy about? It's just another day like all the others…_another day with out you_…

And so disinterested of the unending descent of white beads and simultaneous flickering of Christmas lights I turn my gaze away to somewhere aimless…it lands on the empty closet that was wide open…and only just for a moment I saw a specter…an apparition of her quietly reading a book then turning to smile at me…this only lasts for a fleeting second for I am well aware it is just an illusion…yet the smile stays… the long deprivation of familiarity breaks me…

_When will I get used to your absence, I wonder? _

When will I forget?

Then the stuffed lion gives me an inquiring gaze, leaping from the said closet. "is she coming home tonight?" kon quietly says, somehow already understanding the severity of my emotions yet still unable to comprehend her loss.

I grunt and paste a scowl, even as difficult at this very moment, "this ain't her home…she's not coming back…" those godforsaken words came out of my lips falsely…how I wish I wouldn't have to repeat them to myself…it hurts me to bite back that sentence. I didn't want to accept that reasoning though as evidently as it was hanging...but it was the only way to make an effort to stop ourselves from hurting.

This is where she belongs…right here with us…and yet she isn't….hell knows where she is…

She's gone…

Kon jumps to the bed to confront me, filled with boldness. "bastard! Don't talk like that about nee-san! she's gonna keep her promise!" he said defensively still vainly believing in empty promises…I lost count if them a long time ago….

My indifference didn't shift the slightest, "then die waiting…" perhaps those words I said were meant for my own self…perhaps silently that was what I wanted to press upon my own stupidity…but it wouldn't sink in...i couldn't let it...

His eyebrows furrowed in deep annoyance, hurt of the fact that partly what I said was right. He only gritted his pretend teeth in the attempt to stop himself…for god's sake it was Christmas eve and we couldn't be any more pissed at each other.

"to hell with your indifference!" he only shouted while banging the closet door shut.

I only shook my head while grumbling a few curses and returned to my own reverie…not too long it was broken when my cellular phone beeped….

'1 new message' it said on the bright screen that weakly tried to illuminate my dark room, the darkness I myself did not will to disturb…

I grabbed it and flipped it open with littlest amount of enthusiasm.

_-Merry Christmas Kurosaki-kun_

it was from Inoue, honestly, it would have been a lot easier if I fell in-love with her… she was nice, well-endowed, just the proper height though too perky and all, _and she was in the same world as mine…_ wasn't that enough?

But fate didn't want me to be happy…instead, I fell in-love with the exact opposite…screw everything…

I deleted the message and threw my phone somewhere indefinite amidst the shadows…

Instinctively, I ran my hands through the scarf to feel its cozy warmth. The red scarf she gave me last Christmas…and it was more valuable than any silk mantle Byakuya owned.

I could distinctly feel her presence from the piece of clothing; her tender embraces and lingering touches. I could smell her intoxicating scent and is if even just for this moment she is with me...

Light steps and subtle knocks on my door, "onii-chan, dinner's ready, won't you spend Christmas with us?" Yuzu softly asked from the other side of the door, I could sense the longing in her voice.

Shortly Karin's voice interrupted, "Yuzu don't waste your time, our brother's gone he left when _that girl_ disappeared." Her hard stone-cold tone stirred a bit of my conscience but they couldn't change how I felt. They couldn't change anything now…

"I'm not hungry…" I barely answered dismissively, knowing quite well I shattered my little sister's hopes…

"I see…" Yuzu's voice trembled followed by some sobbing. I could hear footsteps faintly dying away…

what kind of a fucking brother am I…? Damn it all…

And as if this solitude was my only companion, I'd let it engulf me…devour me whole and leave nothing…

_Nothing_...

That would be better…a whole lot better…

A moment of deafening silence_…"now would you let me take over, **king**?"_

Disgusting as I could hear that rasping voice, it offered me a sear of hollow **relief**….as it bore its golden orbs to drown me into a deceitful glare…somewhere within the oblivion I allowed to consume myself…

"The queen is _dead_…" it croaked once more then chuckled chillingly… "Your constraint is useless with out her…" his words spilled out like poison, "you fight for nothing…king" and i believed them all...

As far as I could bury myself deeper and deeper into the swirling abyss I'll let the _king stumble off his horse_…and the soldiers breach the castle to destroy me….free to submit in utter acquiescence….

"_It's over."_ The dark of my soul announces triumphantly…and I am left laying there with shards of distortion, ashes of what was once called my heart….

Darkness claims me and slowly my awareness slips away.

Only the frantic shaking and screaming of the stuffed lion were but distant echoes through the emptiness…

"Ichigo! Ichigo! Get a grip you idiot!" I could not hear his nervous shouts for where I am could no longer be reached.

With out warning, small porcelain hands took me. The insufficient warmth in her palms willed to revive me, droplets of crystal tears from her cerulean-mauve eyes fell to my cheeks…blurry I could see the silhouette of her petite form…out of nowhere as if reality was appalingly bent...

"Rukia…" if she was an illusion only my mind fabricated then so be it. If only my longing for her made her real then let this be forever…

She ran her slender finger tips through my unruly orange hair, "I got you…" she whispered softly while tears threatening to fall from the sides of her eyes yet again…

_You arrived too late..._

Before I lose myself I took a final glimpse at her and smiled for the first time in a long while…a dark crimson hue begins to mask my face…

Even like this, I am contented…

At long last….

I close my eyes in resign as the sinister claws claim me to an endless lament cradling me in the stakes of despair…

"I lost…_Rukia_…." And with that I let go of everything that I once held…and everything I never had…

She tightens her embrace and kisses the top of my head… "you're not dreaming….." she speaks while trembling.

"ichigo…." I will never feel her caresses again.

The stuff animal only gazes desperately at the sheer display of grief….

Not a moment too soon, someone no longer myself pushes her away from me, she slumps on the floor from the swipe.

_My_ _body_ arises to conquer the foreboding darkness here and beyond…the hollow's mask falls shortly to the floor

Its smile is a deceitful smile coated with malice, golden eyes glistening dangerously amidst the shadows…

A dirge unheard rings loudly unto the desperate silence.

Her amethyst orbs widen considerably as she stares at the demon that has now been released from my utter defeat…

"Merry Christmas _my Queen_…" and as if an immeasurable present is long due he leaps forth to strike and slay.

"Ichi-"

The sound of Christmas carols flutter through the streets…lights flickering in different hues…the cold wind carries the memories with her, whispering them to the swaying trees.

The snow continues to fall to the earth like the descent of crystal tears…

Consuming what was left of the stone pavement.

Swirling into a wintry dream….

Inside the forsaken room darkness crept silently...in tune to the waltzing white curtains...

Only a body lies cold on the floor...the bright orange semblance dull and dead; the pretend lion quiet and motionless.

Other than that the room was significantly _empty.._

………………………………………..

Author's notes: there's my Christmas gift to everyone… I hope you enjoyed it…it is completely unrelated to the first chapter and stands independently on its own…it was sort of a drabble coz I really wasn't planning to make this but oh well…maybe it's a bit pointless…I just wanted to have the effect that not everyone is happy on Christmas…..well that's all…

Did you get the twist by the way? hehe if you didn't then try harder...

Thanks for reading and reviews are very much appreciated…

MERRY X-MAS

Take care

Love,

Amerie


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